In writing in my Gratitude Journal this morning (all thanks to David G. Brooke), I realized something. In the past five days I have worried over losing my job, found out we may lose the contract on our house, and been run off the road while going to church on the highway with my one-year-old son in the back of the car. All of these fears and worries piled on top of each other have spurred my subconscious into a dreaming frenzy. Each night I have had a worse dream than the night before about losing my husband or son, or coming under monumental debt for no explainable reason.
This morning I said, "STOP!"
You know, we Americans have a keen way of allowing ourselves to throw tremendously popular pity parties. When I used to manage a boy's group home I used to tell the residents, "I won't pretend to know you. You don't pretend to know me. If you were to look at where I came from, maybe you would be surprised at where I am now. The point is that the choice lies with you." You see, it doesn't matter who our parents are, what horrible struggles we've gone through, or what just happened to us in the grocery line earlier today. What matters is our choice of how to deal with those circumstances. We can choose to wallow, feel sorry for ourselves, and end up medicated and lonely...and many of us feel justified in those decisions. In no way am I downplaying some of the heartbreaking things that happen to people each day. The stories these boy had been through by age 13, most of them, was far worse than anything I've endured in my 30 years.
However, what if you chose differently? What is you said, "No!"? How would your life look different if you stopped listening to what everyone else was saying (or what you think they are saying) about you? What would a day in your life look like if you saw yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you--someone who REALLY loves you?
It is all about perspective. When we were run off the road on Sunday, it was really scary. A woman in the left lane didn't see us on her right side, and as we were going nearly 70mph she swerved into our lane, running us into the gravel bank and causing us to fishtail and start to spin. I'm not sure what camouflaged us more, our bright red color, or the neon yellow road bike mounted on our roof rack!
My husband and I were in the middle of a conversation about our current predicament with jobs, money, and a house. After making sure everyone was okay and our household's only car wasn't destroyed, I said, "Well, maybe that is just our glimpse of a new perspective."
My husband's response? "A glimpse into what!? How NOT to drive when we're old!?"
I laughed. "No. At the fact that everything we need is right in this car. We truly love this house, but we don't need it."
Over the past 7 months, my family has moved out of state, my husband and I have started new jobs, we have lived in the basements of two very gracious family members while we sold our house, we have moved again into a townhouse, and now we are going through some things that may make our situation take yet another turn for the worse. Could I be sad? Yep. Could I wallow and think the worst? Of course! The people who think not have obviously never moved four times in a year or lived in a family member's home with a one-year-old!
However, I am choosing a new perspective. I CAN have a job that I truly love and make good money to provide for my family. If my current employment does not continue, then I choose to understand that it is because there is a better and more fulfilling opportunity awaiting. I am currently aggressively seeking something to fulfill my family's financial needs if that does happen, but I believe that there is something in me to give the world and I will hold up to that responsibility.
I CAN live in our dream home. It may not be a dream to many, but land for a beautiful garden, a few cows, a gorgeous view of the mountains where our family can play, and room enough for a few more kids is a dream to me. If this housing contract falls through I will be heartbroken, but I will choose to shake it off and get back in the house hunt so I can find the home that was truly meant for us.
I CAN get fit and healthy again. Having a child and going through several big life changes can take its toll on a person. Struggling for many years with self-esteem, maintaining a healthy weight, and trying to cope with negative self-thoughts has been my day-to-day. But it doesn't have to be. Are the people saying mean things about me right? NO! My weight does not define me. Do they know that I am a hard-working wife and mother? That I have lived in another country? That I have been to several places to serve those less fortunate? That I have saved people's lives before? That I have never chosen a job for the money, yet have lived paycheck-to-paycheck in order to do things that help people at-risk? That I have accomplished a lifelong dream and become a best-selling author? Maybe not--but I know. They are not right about me.
So, this morning is about perspective. All you have to lose is everything you stand to gain. I'm reclaiming my JOY!
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